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When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
This is it, folks...it all goes downhill from here... 
31st-Dec-2004 02:00 am
Satchel by BrainySmurf
Alright, people, it's that time again. Another year has passed us by, and though I'm not going to be all that busy as we count down to 2005, i figured what the hell, let's do this now.

Entries are arranged as follows:

Date - Title of Entry

Any comments from me

Let's do it!

1/3/04 - Two Updates:
"a) Born-Again Sheila: Sheila is a born-again christian who insists on telling people her ENTIRE life story. She told Vicki on the phone when she called to ask us to hold a CD, and when she came into the store I asked her, "Hey, how ya doin'?" like I'm supposed to and she says, "Oh, you don't even WANNA know!" So I said, "OK!" and she replies, "It's not you, it's just I've had the worst holiday!" To which I responded, "You must be Sheila!" and handed her the CD.

b) The older lady I've lovingly named "Sandy Vagina". She came into the store saying that she's only here for the sale and that it's a good thing we're closing because of all the pornography in the records. I rolled my eyes and let her do her business. She browsed for a while, asked a couple questions, and brought her purchases to the counter, including a Christina Aguilera "Stripped" cassette, used to illustrate her point about the pornography. I said, "Well, we don't have any control over what they put on the albums." to which she responded, "Yes you do! You know 75% of people go to hell for sins of the flesh?" She then paid with a check and refused to give her phone number, because it could get out to everybody that way, and she said something about her daughter being a social worker...I tuned her out at this point."

I had forgotten about these two ladies until just now...holy fuck we got some weirdos at Strawberries...

1/15/04 - And another:
"13. Get you kicked off your school's basketball team, thereby costing them the championship."

Let's see how many of these came round the bend this year

1/18/04 - Oh my lord...
"I still like her mom, so I greeted her, and they came up to the register, I said hi to her mom again, and she paid, then she came up to the register and I scanned her stuff, told her the total, and her mom says, "You can say 'Hi' to her, she won't bite." so I look at her mom and say, "Nahh" and they're on their way."

"That's right, she used the crying face and said that I was acting immature. Yeah...let's see here..."

1/19/04 - Gimme another one for the road...
"14. Make you miss the swim meet."

1/22/04 - FINAL UPDATE:
"Monday: Closing the store
Tuesday: Closing the store
Wednesday: First day of training
Thursday: Second day of training
Friday: First day of solo work"

It's still crazy to me how well that whole thing worked out. Another one of those weird crazy karma-y things...i dunno

1/31/04 - You're about to enter a world...
"A world where rules don't exist...
A world where there are no allies...
A world where your status is judged by the amount of crap you've put into the car you drive...

The world...of the Greenland thugs..."

I STILL remember these morons...good lord...MCfrikkinDONALD'S!

2/2/04 - Hi...
"Events like the one that occured to me today make me thankful and grateful for all the people i know and the things that have happened to me."

Y'know...I've only told, like, three people what happened that day...

2/4/04 - A List of Rules and Guidelines for Toll Booth Patrons
"- No, my arm does not bend back that far, slow down
- No, if you drive past the booth and have to get out of your car, I will not get out and meet you half way
- No, I do not like stretching to reach you cause you stopped three feet from the booth
- Yes, if you do something stupid like drop your change onto the ground I will laugh at you when you drive away
- Yes, I was looking down your shirt
- Yes, you do look like a fool when you have to stop and open your car door to give me your change
- No, no one wants to see your winged eagle impression, roll your window down farther
- Yes, it annoys the people behind you if you don't roll down your window until you get to the booth
- No, neither, "Well, you're in there, i'm not using the basket," nor, "Just testing your math!" are legitimate excuses for including 35 pennies in your payment.
- No, just because there's someone in the booth, it doesn't make the express lane like a regular lane.
- No, having a loud exhaust and/or leaning three quarters of the way back in your seat do not make you any more ghetto than the white bread town you're obviously heading towards.
- Yes, I can tell when you're being facetious when you greet me.
- Yes, it is difficult for me to give you directions when you keep talking over me and asking me to repeat myself.
- Yes, your jokes are retarded and I'm laughing at you, not with you."

2/5/04 - Two more!
"15. Make you talk incessantly about nothing


16. Make your friends turn their back when you're drowning"

2/11/04 - One Simple Query
"*shyly plays with hands and drops head*

Will...will you be my valentine?"

And...NO ONE...responded...I feel loved, people, I really do...

2/13/04 - *sigh*
"My dearest Lindsay Nicole Hunter...you are my everything...you are the air that i breathe...you are the ground beneath my feet...if i could i would worship you 24/7...and yet i can't because my knees hurt...please be my valentine...because me without you is like that half-empty can of paint that's started to dry and has gotten a scuzzy film on the top...and that's not too appealing at all..."

Greatest Valentine Tribute EVER

2/17/04 - Unarguable proof...
"Here's the second reason, for the fourth time in the five and a quarter years I've had my license, I got a warning...you know WHY I got a warning? According to the cop it was because I didn't have a past record. Let's think about this...so far I've been pulled over in Greenland, Portsmouth, Rye and now Hampton...but I don't have a past record..."

Maybe the cops just find me incredibly sexy...

3/3/04 - *contented sigh*
"I WOULD say the only way this day could get better is if i'd gone camping, but only about four people or so would get the reference..."

I'm so dirty!

3/20/04 - Hmm...
"Road trip to Illinois...

that's an idea!"

3/27/04 - A Public Apology
"I'm sorry older lady, sincerely."

"Imagine if you will, an old man, who had to be at LEAST 65, who is white coming through my lane in a FUBU jersey.

I seriously laughed out loud at that one..."

That guy was hilarious!

4/12/04 (Backdated) - Attention Everyone:
"From April 2nd until April 12th, I'm afraid to say I will not exist."

Sadly, I did...oh well...I had email i had to check...and write!

4/14/04 - My Amazing Week
"And now...a bunch of random quotes from the week...

"Christ is a train...enjoy the ride."

"We don't have trains in New Hampshire."

"Twigs and Leaves."


::patpat:: "There, there..."

"Damn you Bobo!!!"




"Torrie sucks AND blows!"

"So...I've got a small package..."

"Are you guys playin' Kickball?!? Can I play Kickball?!?"

"No choking!""

Words can still not describe how incredible that week was, and how much my psyche needed that vacation. So, to Andy, Lindsay, Jana, Caz, Jake, Bill, Chris, Josh, and Matt, thanks for everything, whether you realize you did somethin or not

5/2/04 - hooray...
"w00t for second degree burns and oozing!"

That fuckin hurt, too, still have a mark on my arm

5/9/04 - I'm pathetic...
"so pathetic, in fact, that the highlight of my night was the 5-6-3 TRIPLE play I accomplished on MVP '04 against the Toronto Blue Jays..."

Still a very cool feat

5/14/04 - I would like to announce
"I'd also be mentally deficient...but i'd have a degree..."

5/22/04 - ahhhh...
"it's so funny when someone you hate brings people to a party who make him look like a bigger jackass than he already was..."

Christ I hate that guy

6/4/04 - Hmm...
"I've spent the last week or so watching Sports Night on DVD. I sincerely miss this show. I know most people talk about shows that used to be on and say, "Yeah, sure, I miss..." whatever, but I sincerely miss Sports Night."

"I'm working at the Discovery Channel Store in the mall, which kicks ass, cause it's nice and laid back, and I can play with the merchandise :) I'm not making the best money, but hell, I'm having fun, and that's what I care about."

"I'm not wearing pants."

"It has been brought to my attention that a bit of fiction regarding myself has been published in someone else's LiveJournal. Given the reputation and personality of this person, I, myself, am not too worried about it tarnishing my good name...though I'm not sure who cares about my name in the first place...ANYWAY...though I'm sure this person is anxiously awaiting some kind of response from me that's filled with anger and hatred...I, honestly, don't give a shit. Let him lie about me, it doesn't bother me, and, really, it just makes this person look like a fool for having to make shit up just to sneak one more insult into an entry."

I really do hate that guy...

"With that...I'm gonna go put pants on...good day, all."

Just for clarification, as of this writing, 12/31/04...i AM, in fact, wearing pants

6/14/04 - Commenters List
"Oooooooh, look how many comments i have!"

I'm gonna post another one of these as my next post...I think if I included it in this it would go over the character limit allowed by LiveJournal

6/22/04 - I think I'll call it...Brain Barf...
"That's right, folks, my birthday's 15 days away...two weeks tomorrow...whadja get me? Is it cash? I hope it's cash!"

That's right, I'm not above hopeless begging...

"One week from now, June 29th, it'll have been an entire year that i've been single, and an entire year since i've had any sort of romantic contact with anyone of the female gender. Am I happy about this? Not particularly. Has it been one of the most incredible years of my life? Absolutely. This was a year of self-discovery, self-invention, self-exploration, and I'm thankful for every minute. Becoming single was one of the best things that could have happened to me, and I'd like to thank everyone who's listened to me bitch, whine, moan and complain over the past year, as well as those of you who've listened to me beat the crap out of myself and continually offered your support and well-wishes. It really means a lot to me to have friends like you guys, and it really means a lot to know that there are people out there who actually give a damn about little ole me. Thanks...thanks a million."

These sentiments will be echoed again, later...at the bottom...

"I would like to thank joekickass for directing my attention to that Rumble Roses game. It makes me happy...that is all."

It's a cool game...though i don't really play it that much...

"I am 21-years old, almost 22, and goddamnit, I fuckin love Legos. Is there something wrong with that? All the boxes say "6+" or "7+" but fuck them, man, they don't say how MUCH +! 15+ is still +!"

"I live for the shit across the street from the beach, because you will see the greatest dichotomy of new hampshire white trash EVER across the street from Hampton Beach."

6/24/04 - Brain Barf, 6/24/04
"Whuttup, Peeps! A-Sizzle, back in town! I...well that's certainly enough of that..."

"Nick, date soon, pizza hut, bit of bowling, we need to figure out when, lemme know."

Nick, you bastard ;)

"Oh, by the way, if anyone asks, Stacey's Mom has got it goin' on!"

6/29/04 - Brain Barf, 6/29/04
"Yesterday I uttered a phrase I never thought I'd say, "Hey, gas is only a buck eighty-nine, now!""

7/15/04 - Oooh, a new one!
"17. Make your friends leave you in the road, injured, to get run over by a giant lumber truck"

7/30/04 - Brain Baarrrrfffff!
"Were my parents spending the weekend when I was eight holding gospel jamborees?!?"



7/30/04 - As an addendum to the last post
"Number One: If your thighs are wider than your head, do NOT...I repeat...Do...NOT...wear spandex bicycle shorts...ESPECIALLY if your ass is three times as wide as your head

Number Two: If you are seventy years old and have bat-wings...do NOT..I repeat...Do...NOT...wear spaghetti straps! It looks AWFUL

Number Three: If you are over thirty years of age and have children you do NOT...I repeat...Do...NOT...belong in a mesh ANYTHING. And tell me, please, what is the point of a mesh hoodie? It's full of holes it's not gonna keep anything in or out!"

That first woman...ecccch

8/7/04 - Tonight was good, tonight was good...
"Added goodness by the fact that most of the male cast spends 98% of their stage time shirtless. A nice touch. I've now lost my train of thought..."

I am so gay sometimes...

8/10/04 - Alright...
"Here's what I gotta figure out, though. For the past 22 years i've done nothing to escape this comfort zone that i've built around myself and, tonight, while going quite a bit overboard with the whole thing, i realize that I need to break out. I've barricaded myself in this place in which i'm completely comfortable, and I've never done anything to test the limits of the zone. I need to test the limits, i need to push the envelope."

So, here we are, almost 5 months later...and I'm pretty much still in the zone...bah!

8/10/04 - So...
"In closing, chickenfarts"

8/11/04 - Continuing
"My name is Adam Salzer, and I am bisexual."

Y'know, when I posted this there was a second half to it, but now that i've had the time to think about it...that wasn't really correct...Nikki helped me realize a few more things about myself, and so...ta-da...I am a snowflake :P

8/31/04 - *bighugesigh*
"xEdgeXarmYx: you're that third prong on the plug of life :-)"

I loves mah third prong

9/3/04 - Somethin New
"In other news...what starts with an H and ends with an ORNY and means me?"

I'm so clever

9/4/04 - OK, so this is how much I kick ass
"EDIT: God, it's even good reheated in the microwave. CHRIST I kick ass!"

I'm such a food dork

9/5/04 - wowww
"And it's from a guy whose profile says "i am a cool down to eath kida guy i have black hair go to the clubs now and then" and "i like to lisen to mucsi and talk on the phone kick it with some home boys and hot chicks i like going to clubs and dancein""

9/12/04 - Alright, folks
"Y'know when 9/11 won't be an important date? When the Sox win another championship."

9/11's no longer an important date :D

"I think that it's time for us, as a country...to move on..."

And 20 bucks says I'll still be sayin it next year...

9/15/04 - oh holy christ...
"Kirk Cameron has gone out of his fucking mind..."

9/20/04 - Brain Barf 9/20/04
"Oh yay...another beheading in Iraq. Boy, we're doin a bangup job over there, huh?

Why the hell am I watching the news, anyway?! Let's change this channel ASAP! Hey, Everybody Loves Raymond! This is MUCH better!"

9/21/04 - Explain this to me
""The US denies they have any female Iraqi prisoners, except for two, considered high-value detainees"

Well...if we've got two...WE'VE GOT TWO!"

10/6/04 - Man...I'm on a roll!
"Then I created a new journal (No, I'm not telling you about it or giving you the username, it's friends-only and anonymous, so if you find it yourself, good on ya)"

No one's found it yet!

10/8/04 - I swear to god, man...
""If God is your co-pilot, switch seats""

10/17/04 - *sigh*
""This" is the year, "This" will always be the year, but it's the year that never was."

It was SO hard to pick a single quote from this entry...but I chose this one...merely so I can say, This WAS the year

10/21/04 - Wow...
"Last night was the ice cream, tonight was the hot fudge, Saturday, just SEEING Game One of the 2004 World Series being played in Fenway Park, well...that's the cherry on top."

And the trophy was the sprinkles :D

11/4/04 - ...
"By the way, I think they were airing a special on White House TV last night...I believe it was called, "Oh no! They're Ass-Fucking!""

That still kills me...

11/8/04 - woo
"new screen name, bee-otches"

I won't say who, but ONE of my family members added "beeotches" to his buddy list after this post...won't say who, though

11/15/04 - Hmm...
"Tonight was a good night that took a turn for the better..."

Why did EVERYONE think I got laid?!

11/26/04 - So...
"but really, there's only one thing I really WANT for Christmas...


I want Love for Christmas..."

I didn't get it...oh well...

11/27/04 - Dig this...
"Yes...that's right folks...they make a Drag...Racing...Game...


12/5/04 - This is a list...
"I hate Old Navy, and I hate their commercials. For the love of all that is holy will SOMEONE please SHUT those bastards up..."

"I hate girls who don't get the fact that I don't want shit to do with them anymore..."

Hmm...I think she might have actually figured it out this time...

"I hate sleeping alone..."

I...HATE...sleeping alone...

12/7/04 - An apology
"I'm sorry you feel the need to disprove your sexual inadequacies via your automobile"

12/9/04 - We're from New York, we're Tough! We're from Texas, we like things big! Well we're from Indiana and we're...gonna move...
"Anybody know anything about the hardcover Calvin & Hobbes compilation that's supposed to be coming out? Actually, cp_journalcomic, I think you were the one i heard about it from...got anything?"

To follow up, I found it, I ordered it on Amazon, for, like, 95 bucks :)

12/12/04 - Uuuuuugh...
"OK, I want EVERYBODY that reads this to do the following. I want you to reply, anonymously, to this entry and write your honest opinion of me in the comment field."

I just want to thank the six people that did this...including you, beaners, even though you didn't follow the rules :P

12/19/04 - skeefed from mikeytehwinz...did I just say "skeefed"?!
"5. Spy on me baby, you satellite, infrared to see me move through the night!
7. Don't you put words in my mouth, don't try and shut me up. I'm not about plastic skin, gotta get out, gotta get out, in.
8. So long, I've been lookin too hard, I've been waiting too long.
9. Don't want to drink, don't want to smoke, and after all that I've been told, I just want to stand and make my pledge
10. It seems the days we spend together all too quickly fade away, and even now my lonely mind is filled with thoughts of yesterday.
11. Well I heard there was a secret chord that David played, and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do ya?
12. Everyone around me is a total stranger, everyone avoids me like a cyclone ranger
13. Dressed up like a Million Dollar Trooper, tryin hard to look like Gary Cooper
23. Drinkin all night, got into a fight, well I feel so broke up, I wanna go home."

Alright, now, the answers to the ones that didn't get guessed:
5. SexBomb - Tom Jones
7. Blackout - hedP.E.
8. Waiting for a Girl Like You - Foreigner
9. Straight Edge - LWL
10. Naturally Stoned - Avant Garde (Not surprised no one got this one)
11. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley (Jenny, I'm gonna give this one to ya)
12. Turning Japanese - The Vapors
13. Puttin on the Ritz - Taco
23. Sloop John B - The Beach Boys


12/25/04 - Whad'i get? Whad'i get?!
"As for the things i need to buy, the list includes a Nintendo DS, the 24 Score CD, the Strong Bad Email DVD, and maybe...just maybe...an iPod"

Got the iPod the next day, got the DS tonight! I'm a happy guy

12/27/04 - aw jeez...
"and i'm not afraid to admit to being a pussy and crying at the teevee :)"

Wellp, that's it, folks...there ain't no more...time to look ahead, forward to 2005, breakin out those lists of "Things I really REALLY need to do this year...no...seriously...I mean it this time!"

2004's in the books, and unless something miraculous happens tomorrow...I'll see ya in 2005...

Before I go, though, there's somethin i gotta say, and that is "Thank You"...Thank you to everyone who reads this, thank you to all of you who comment regularly, thank you to those of you i IM on a regular basis and bother and annoy with my pathetic neurotic mental crap. Thank you for being there...thank you for listening...thank you for offering advice...

Thank you...for being my Friends...I couldn't have asked for a more crackerjack group of fuckers

I love ya all...some more than others ;)

Happy new year
2nd-Jan-2005 04:26 am (UTC)
I won't say who, but ONE of my family members added "beeotches" to his buddy list after this post...won't say who, though

You are insane, sir. But I commend thee for it. :p
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