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When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
It's that time again! 
1st-Jan-2006 12:01 am
Time to get piss drunk and throw confetti!

Entries are arranged thusly:

M/D - "Title"
Quoted entry bits

Comments from me

Let's get to it!!

1/3 - "First one of the new year!"
Marijuana can...

18. Make you hallucinate and see the old guy you ran over and killed

They seem to have cut back on these ads this year...such a shame...

1/5 - "I swear to grumblecakes"
If there was one thing i could wish for...i wish i could tell people how i really, REALLY felt about them...without worrying about them freaking out or taking it the wrong way or getting all weird...

Yep, still can't do that...

1/6 - "What's this? Another one already?!"
19. cause you to rob your grandmother blind

1/10 - "In Desperate Need of Help"
EDIT EDIT: A guy from the 24 community got it to me, so nevermind :)

And that was the first time I met frankenroc

1/13 - "Yeah, I know it's an old one, but I forgot to document it when it first came on"
20. Make you act like an asshole towards your little brother, especially when it's his birthday.

1/17 - "Well well well..."
I stand, having slid the reciept into the drawer and laugh, look him directly in the face and say "They don't pay me enough to have an attitude..."

Heeheehee, what a jerkoff that guy was... I'd forgotten that the weigh-in was in January...I thought it was in March...that means that I've lost 25 pounds this whole year, as opposed to just over the last nine months.

1/19 - "Niiiiiiiice"
Anyways, the show was so much fun, just hanging out...with PEOPLE for once! Social situations! When do THOSE happen?!

Quarter to never, by my watch :P

1/20 - "So...tell me..."
So you sit there, on the brink of possible disaster, hoping as hard as you can that what's about to come out of your ass is a mere plopper and not a full-fledged poo geyser?

What...is wrong with me?!

1/24 - "*le siiiiiiigh*"
The most depressing thing EVER just happened to me...

I got a fortune cookie...and it was EMPTY!!!

So sad...

1/27 - "Let's see...what's been goin on?"
Finally, since I need to go to bed, I'm CLEANING my ROOM!

I expect the project to be done by 12/07...but I make no guarantees. Goodnight, all

See, so I still got two years to go...

1/17 - "Hm..."
However, I realized, whenever I pretend to have a social life it reminds me how...stinky my actual life is. I need a life...and a significant other...and a better job...and a life...

I sure worked that out this year, didn't I...

2/28 - "And here we go..."
OK, I HAVE to add to this, cause I'm at Kirby's house, and, as usual, everyone is FUCKING drunk...and they're all fucking inSANE...so, apparently, Rosie is sitting in the other room with no pants on crying that she wants to go home. Kirby's mom is just freaking out and slamming things around, and...yeah.

Oh how things have changed...

3/5 - "Apparently I'm saying your sister's a whore, I didn't realize there was any confusion there!"
Huzzah, I'm a savior :D

*does the savior dance*

Workin tonight, for I am a savior, cooooommmmme visit...it'll be fun :)

Other than that...I'm a savior!

3/7 - "My shadow is the only one who walks beside me..."
You ever get the feeling that the place where you belong isn't the place where you are? But you've no way of getting to where you feel you belong on any kind of permanent basis?

3/11 - "Bwahaha"
Currently listening to Macho Man Randy Savage's rap CD...

It's the most amazing CD I own...

That is all...

Oh yeahhhhh

3/16 - "You own my heart and you don't even know it, you could kill me with a kiss..."
Other than that, a Scotty Dog insisted on humping my leg repeatedly...needless to say, it's the most action i've gotten in months...how much does MY life rule...yeah...

3/19 - "Saturday morning?!"
Hmm, just ordered two floor seats to WWE Backlash, I hope to GOD it goes through...it said it was confirmed, but said it needed to wait for credit authorization...*hopes and prays* If it does go through I've got two awesome floor seats...

Which Kirby promised he'd pay me back for this coming week...

3/28 - "The cool breeze from the window blew across the back of my neck. It reminded me of the time we spent together, and how much I miss your touch..."
Man, April 3rd's gonna kick ass...WrestleMania, the Sox opener, Good Times, Nan Ling, and hangin out with Sean...can life get better? I submit that it canNOT!

Well, yeah it could...but Sean's not THAT kind of friend...:P

One can only hope...

3/29 - "You can call me Little Lord Fauntleroy"
My mother just said to me, "You shouldn't put your tongue where gross stuff has been..." and my brain is far too perverted to handle such a comment...

Hey, you remember those friends you had when you were, like, eight...the friends you thought you'd know forever, the friends you were sure you'd spend every day for the rest of your life going over to their houses in the afternoon, playing with action figures and sega genesis. I wonder what happened to them...they were good people...

See...sometimes I'm deep...

4/1 - "...and don't bother ringin' it up! It's for a Duck!"
So, Terry Schiavo died...guess we won't be hearing any more about HER on the news, huh?? Huh? Maybe? Guys?

In more important deaths, apparently Mitch Hedberg died as well...this makes me rather sad...

You have to have priorities...

Y'know, I'd try one of those Burger King supergiantOMG Omelette sandwiches...if I felt like doing nothing for the rest of my day but lying on the floor, clutching my chest, and screaming in pain...

I watched "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" today. It was a nice trip down memory lane.

And that was when I met Ashley!

4/2 - "So I don't have a title for this entry...can you DEAL WITH THAT?!"
God, on all the cable news channels it's like "POPEWATCH: Pope Near Death...the over under is 6 hours...place your bets!" Do we really need 24 hour coverage about whether or not the guy's kacked out? When he croaks, just cut in! Sheesh!

4/3 - "What's Guam got to do, got to do with it?"
There are some things that I will never, ever eat, merely because of the way they sound... Were I to eat a Gizzard, I might find it to be the most delicious thing ever, but, to my brain, a word that includes a hard G and a Z sound, does not indicate food.

See? Deep!

4/14 - "Sky rockets in flight! Afternoon delight!"
So, this cookie monster crap...the fact that parents need a fucking puppet to tell their kids to eat well and not get fat...makes me fear for the future of this country. Yeesh...STOP letting the TELEVISION act as a Babysitter...you're PARENTS...that child came FROM YOU (in most cases)...sometimes...you actually have to INTERACT WITH IT...

4/15 - "I think I'm about to cry..."
Bloop single to center field...

Kill Me NOW...

Fear not, I got my perfect game later in the season, as Curt Schilling, against the Yankees...victory was mine!

4/27 - ":D :D :D :D :D"
*dances* I met a boy i met a boy i met a boy i met a boy i met a boyyyyyyyyyy

OK, really, I didn't actually meet a boy, I IMed with a boy, and then we met in person, and he accused me of coming on too strong...sooooo perhaps I jumped the gun a bit...

5/2 - "WWE Backlash 2005"
This is Fat Sleepy Guy! We first noticed him during the Last Man Standing match where he was slowly, but entertainingly, falling asleep in his seat. Once he fell asleep we started counting him out, since it was a Last Man Standing match after all, and he got to about 4 before waking back up.

6/9 - "Fact 2: Garbledina"
I love how all my "Social Engagements" involve either my parents or my boss...who's the man? Ohhhhhhh baby, I'm totally the man...

Wait, why can't I get laid again? Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhh, pathetic...


6/14 - "I met a possum!"
Word order is a very important thing..."Holy shit I want to fuck!" means something very different than "Holy fuck I want to shit!" So make sure you get that right...

6/19 - "Taking a nap is like saying, 'Y'know what...I quit!'"
I wish I could just take a vacation from life for, like, a month. If I could just not exist for a month, that would be terrific. Have no worries about bills, have no worries about jobs, not feel lonely or empty, not exist...I'm not sure I'd want to come back...

That's basically what Illinois is, minus the not existing and the no bills. I will make it out there in '06.

6/22 - "I begged you not to go, I begged you, I pleaded, claimed you as my only hope, and watched the door as you retreated"
"Y'know what Froot Loops are? They're like gay cheerios!" I love Conan O'Brien...


6/24 - "The recipe for Sprite says it's Lemon and Lime...but I tried to make it at home, and there's more to it than that!"
How do people not realize that bull-riding is rigoddamndiculous?! What I think we should do is, instead of the bulls, let's tie a rope around the COWBOY'S balls and put a big redneck in a stetson on HIS back...and let HIM try to kick off both the redneck and the rope...that's what I think we should do...

I just don't understand why PBR (That's...professional bull riding, not pabst blue ribbon) and NASCAR are...well, exist, I don't understand why they exist. Do these people really need ANOTHER excuse to drink beer?

I think not...

7/9 - "Waffles, tasty waffles!"
the two CDs I bought with the 15 dollar birthday coupon EA sent me

I completely forgot I ordered those...they never did come...oh well, at least I didn't get charged for them, since they never shipped...I should check the eastore website and see what's up...

7/20 - "An ultra-violent outside with a secret sexy center? It's like an anti-family Mallomar!"
heehee, flirting like mad...how i love it...let's just hope this one doesn't think I'm coming on too strong... ;D

Ahhh, the good times :)

7/30 - "Attention K-Mart Shoppers: rinky dink, cheap-ass crap is now half-off, follow the blue light to instant K-Mart savings..."
I'm not exactly sure whether I'm intrigued or scared by Burger King's new chicken fries...maybe I'm scartrigued...maybe...prolly not...

8/17 - "WTF is a Hollaback Girl?"
So, Sean Combs has changed his name once again...that's right, Sean "Puffy/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy" Combs is now to be known as... *Drumroll* ... "Diddy"...yyyyyyyyyyyyeah...when asked why he said, and this is a direct quote, "The P was getting between me and my fans." Sure thing, Piddly, sure thing. What's next, "Call me 'Dih'"?

Heh, "Dih"

8/25 - "HUZZAH"
I PITCHED A PERFECT GAME! Finally...and it couldn't have worked out better, either...Curt Schilling, against the Yankees, Trot Nixon went 4-5, all home runs, and I deMOLISHED them, 14-0.

See, there's that perfect game :)

8/31 - "Sir, it looks like everything's made of Widdly-Wee"
the only way to wear a shirt too much is until it's got a huge-ass hole in it...unless it's an Abercrombie shirt, then it's usually got a huge asshole in it anyway (OMG, I totally went there)

Still proud of that line, I am...

Dear Gwen,
Fuck off.


You already ARE a rich girl you pretentious twat. Try coming up with songs that actually have lyrics and not na-nas, da-das or spellings of words with the same letters in sequence. T-A-L-E-N-T-Less!

9/5 - "If you made breakfast any slower, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you'd need an egg calendar!"
Further proof as to why I hate people...Robert Novak uses the word "Bullshit" on CNN at 4:45 in the afternoon and everyone goes "ZOMGTEHCHILDERN!" and calls for him and/or CNN to be fined and reprimanded and made to apologize. GUESS WHAT if you were doing a good enough job at parenting you'd be able to tell your kids that, hey, sometimes adults get angry and use angry words, but it's not ok for kids to use angry words, and hey, they'd probably listen. Accusing Robert Novak of corrupting the youth of America is a bullshit pass-off of responsibility because you can't be bothered to try and actually interact with your children. These are probably the same people who come to the mall, and leave their kids in my store while they go and shop. Firstly, we're not a day care, secondly, they're YOUR kids! Being a parent doesn't mean handing off your kids whenever you don't want to deal with them, so fuck off and take your kids with you, you retards. They're yours...they came from you...you'll actually have to interact with them some day...suck it up and deal.


9/13 - "Aye! Kim is coming! Everybody pretend he tall!"
RE: The Army commercials...

If it's an Army of One...what the fuck do they need me for?

9/15 - "Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?"
House debuted this week...I love that show so much. Just hearing him say "Ruh Roh!" cheered me up more than anything could ever...

9/17 - "I'm so fuckin happy I could cry"
Y'know what I learned?! I'm not allowed to give blood anymore! It's cause I like the boys...us sexual deviants have the bad blood, y'know...

But, I did get to make an old nurse uncomfortable, so woot on the day :D

Oh man, that was hilarious. I said, "I'm sorry..." meaning I was sorry for wasting her time, and she must have taken it as me apologizing for me being a nasty dirty pervert, and she said, "Oh don't start going there."

10/11 - "No title tonight, dear...I have a headache..."
Y'know what's not enjoyable at all? My second job...anybody want it? I'm probably quitting soon...

10/21 - "What is good for the Nacho Industrial Complex is good for us all..."
What do you know, we got a new one:

Marijuana Can:
Make you miss dinner with your elderly mother.

It can also make you leave your little sister at the fair.

I think my cat is emo. He'll sit in front of the door to the hall and paw at it, begging to be let outside, and when you say "No!" he goes in the bathroom and yowls pitifully. Emokitty...

Awww, EmoKitty

So, I've decided to get my nipples pierced. It's gonna cost $100, so it'll be a little while, but I'm definitely gonna do it.

I've actually changed my mind...I guess it just doesn't appeal to me that much anymore...eh, we'll see...

12/3 - "Y'know, nothin clever's comin to mind tonight..."
So, last year I wanted love for Christmas, and that didn't work out, so this year I'll settle for sex. Hey, next year I'll ask for a kiss on the cheek, maybe that one'll come true...

Prolly not...

12/19 - "You can eat when you find the Dufresnes"
So what's the easiest way to ask someone for a round of hot, yet meaningless sex?

And how come nobody answered my question?

12/22 - "So the Panda Bear is not a bear, and the Koala bear is not a bear...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE!"
Tonight I went out in a shirt that says "I ♥ Dick" with a pink button down shirt over it...I couldn't be any gayer without my rainbow wristband and a dick in my face :P

12/30 - "Dilemmas Dilemmas Dilemmas"
Another bus trip...can I afford it?

The answer is yes, now I just need a time...

12/31 - "Death by Dorito!!!"

Hell of a way to end the year :)

Well, that's that...

To all the friends I've made this year, don't ask me to name 'em off, cause I'll forget some, and we don't want anybody to feel left out, I hope I haven't bored you to tears with my incessant whining about my rampant singledom and complete unfuckability, but hey...who knows what 2006 holds, eh?

What do I want to do with the coming twelve months?

1. Go to Illinois, this MUST happen.
2. Get down to 200 pounds, I have faith this will happen.
3. Move out of my parent's house or, at the very least, get a full-time job.
4. Get laid, a pipe dream, I know.

If I'm still working at the mall when 2007 rolls around, I think I might cry.

Happy New Year, everybody, here's hoping 2006 treats you well.
1st-Jan-2006 08:47 pm (UTC)
mwee hee hee hee... I totally forgot about the line from 8/31... that's still the best line ever.
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