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When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
Best of 2006: A Compendium 
31st-Dec-2006 11:55 pm
Cunning
Well, another year has come and gone, let's take a look at what's gone down over the past 365 days, shall we?



January:
1/4: Perhaps I could interest you in a quickie?
"I filled out an online application to a temp agency tonight...hopefully this'll get me one step closer to fulfilling one of my new year's resolutions..."

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time...

"Well, the auction for the box to my 360 ended with a bid of $495.05, however the winning bidder apparently made his bid just so that later he could tell me what a terrible person I am for selling an empty box."

That guy was a douche

1/21: She'll never know that I'm the best that she'll never have
"So apparently we're finally moving out of the stone age! My parents signed up for DSL, so...huzzah!"

Bout freakin' time, too!

1/22: Ohhhh what a day...
"Being asked by an old chinese guy if I was chinese, cause I know how to use chopsticks"

That guy was awesome

1/28: Does your cat ever stare at you and lick its lips, as if to say, "I bet you're delicious..."?
"Abercrombie and Fitch has supposedly been around since 1829 or something...d'you think they were selling overpriced crap back then, too? "What?! 14 pence for these knickers, are you bloody mad?!""

Yeah, yeah, 1892, I don't give a shit, it's still true

"I spent yesterday afternoon, that being Thursday, with Ashley, we went to lunch at the Toast, then to Bull Moose"

Man, I haven't seen Ashley in forever...

February
2/1: Ahh, the OC! Where everyone's rich and white, like God intended!
"Why is it, when it's raining, my wipers have no problem getting all the water off my windshield, but when it snows...there's always that one spot the wipers go right over without sweeping. AND WHY IS THAT SPOT ALWAYS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE?!"

For serious!! I've gotten new wipers since then and it still happens!

2/12: Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having...
"In other news...I have new holes in me...yessiree :)"

I like my holes

2/18: Who says midgets aren't funny?
"So for quite a while I've been making a joke, "I heard in the news today that Michael Jackson and the Catholic church are teaming up to remake a classic Elton John song, they're calling it 'Please Let your Son go Down on Me'..." And now it turns out that Michael Jackson and the Catholic church are teaming up for some musical project...I am scared..."

March
3/4: I'm just checking in to see what condition my condition was in...
"For one thing, someone defriended me on here that, had you asked me a year ago, I would have guaranteed you we'd be friends forever, funny how things change, eh? Ah well, I'm not bothered, honestly. He still has me friended on myspace, though..."

We've started talking again but still, I dunno what, exactly, is going on

"Also picked up a game called Guitar Hero...tis quite awesome. It comes with a special guitar controller, and I haven't played anything but easy difficulty, but it's awesome. yes it is..."

Yes it is, though I haven't even cracked open number two yet

3/5: There's few things in life more dangerous than novelty monkey underpants...
"Someone want to explain to me the concept behind "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt"? Mainly, how could TWO people have the same ridiculous name, and secondly, how cruel are those parents?!"

3/20: C'mon pretty pretty!
"So I did something this morning that will make my life quite a bit better...I quit Adecco."

First of two jobs this year that I called in Quit to, good times.

"We got thos GPS unit in at the store, and I want it so badly...but it's $420 after my discount and, yeah, can't do that..."

Now we have a better one that's $350 after my discount, and I'm gonna get it with my nice, large, December bonus check.

April
4/3: SIDEWALK SLAM!
"While I was eating my sandwich this couple were sitting in the next row of chairs and the guy was absolutely CURSING this girl out! She was crying and he was making a huge scene, eventually the woman at the Greyhound counter had to tell him to stop cause he was upsetting the other travelers...it was nuts!"

Man that guy was scary, good start to a vacation

"Oh my fucking GOD! It is now 1:15pm Central time, and I'm nowhere near DeKalb...let me tell you why... Somewhere in between South Bend and Gary, Indiana, one semi rear-ended another, closing down the westward side of the highway for THREE HOURS...at least... I was supposed to get in to Chicago at 9:50am, wait a couple hours, and leave Chicago at 11:45am to get to DeKalb at 1:30...yeah, I got to Chicago at about 12:15, 12:30...half an hour after I was supposed to leave."

Thankfully my Illini friends are quick thinkers, that Metra's a real nice train system.

"I won Linds this big blue ball"

First try, muthafuckas!

"Saturday I somehow agreed to go to Bill's uncle's farm and help them move a tv"

The hell was I thinking?

" That's right, people, I was actually disappointed that Triple H lost..."

4/10: WHOSE CAKE?!
"So, over the eight days I spent in Illinois last week and the week before I slept on two different couches, sat/laid on four different beds, expanded my westward horizon a couple more miles, and met some chickens...yeah..."

Them's were nice chickens

"Thanks to Bill for introducing me to the Hi Ho Mongolian Grill"

We need one of them over here, man...

"I also got to play Nickelodeon GUTS for the SNES, which is one of the most awesomely bad video games I've ever played"

"I'll tell ya, it had been a while since I was that happy to see this shithole of a house, but it wasn't quite equal to how badly I didn't want to leave Illinois."

Word

4/24: Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup...
"I bought a 2gig memory card for my camera today, it'll definitely be the last card i'll ever need. $94.99 marked down from $199.99, I say that's a heck of a deal..."

And if I'd waited six more months, I got an email from Circuit City today that I could get one for $34.99 after a ten dollar mail-in rebate

4/25: Muchos Huevos Grandes
"I have discovered a new scientific corollary, I shall call it "The Salzer Effect", patent it, and make a million dollars"

The patent is still pending, but it did land me a nifty new screen name

4/26: excitement
"NEWWWW COMPUTERRRRR FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

4/27: Welcome to my life...
"Can I just tell you how excited I was when I found out that my new memory card is so large, my camera can't actually tell me how many pictures I have left to take?

Yeah...hi...I'm a gigantic dork..."

May
5/5: So...this week, huh?
"Wednesday:
- Asked a girl out, and she actually said yes!"

Then she said no, but then she said yes again and we had a good time :)

June
6/8: Classified as a Giant Green Water Whore
"It really makes me laugh when I get a spam friend request on myspace, and I go to the profile and the "person" already has, like, 400 friends...people are stupid..."

Also, the people that comment and say, "Hey, sexy, thanks for tha add! ;)" Dumbasses

"So, I did join Planet Fitness today (I wrote that other thing last night or the night before). I was hoping they'd give me a little tour, so I could find out which machine was for my Flactoid, cause that's really the muscle I'm looking to work on..."

And nobody got that joke

6/17: ECW Tickets: The Update
"So I got one ticket, Floor Section 1, which is the section just to the right of the entrance, as you look at the ring, Row B, Seat 14. If my estimations are correct this puts me right in the middle of the second row from the ring...huzzah"

OK, I was the last seat in the row, second row from the ring, fuckin awesome show

6/28: The Anniversary
"In other news, Kevin might, once again, be leaving soon, and once he does...Promotion!"

Possibly the best thing that happened this year, all considered.

July
7/3: It's always a quarter to three at Krankor's place...
"Wellp, it's official...as of July 16th I'll be the Lead Sales at my store. Kevin's leaving, so Ellen and I get to move up a spot in the rotation. It's still part time, but it's more pay, and I get a key, and managerial authority and whatnot, so that'll be fun..."

"I bought myself an air conditioner on Friday, such a pain in the ass to install...but so fuckin worth it...it's gonna be insanely humid this week, so it'll be nice to have a cool room without everything being damp. When I had the fan in the window it'd be cool, but the fan'd suck in all that humid air from the outside and everything'd get damp"

Little did I know

7/12: GrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
"Finally...FINALLY...a Bag of Crap comes up on Woot...and between the time when I click the "I Want One" button and the order page loads...they sell out...i'm rather pissed..."

it happened on Christmas, too

7/21: "Who are you?!" "Why...I'm the Fornication Fairy!"
"God DAMN do I abhor the "Helio" commercials... "It's got MySpace Mobile! ahurrhurrhurr" shut the fuck up, you little twat..."

TV makes me angry

7/23: AAARRGGGHHH!!!
"Long story short I've now got a pile of about thirty cd cases...at least, probably more...sitting in front of a fan, drying..."

Grr

7/25: Extruded Plastic Dingus
"What kind of country do we live in where the "Bourbon Chicken Sandwich" signs at SubWay have to have a little disclaimer on the bottom assuring that it is merely a bourbon glaze, and that there is no actual alcohol content to the sandwich itself?"

7/31: *yawn*
"I've been going through and tagging all my old journal entries... What a slow and arduous process... Anyway, I've gotten up to 2004, maybe i'll be able to get the previous two and a half years done tomorrow night..."

I still haven't done this year

August
8/9: Ohhhh father...
"'Bout half an hour later dad basically kicks my door open and starts ranting, as he's wont to do, "HRAMFGHRAMFGHRAMFG I NEED MY SLEEP HRAMFG HRAMFG HRAMFG SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW HRAMFGHRAMFGHRAMFG KEEP IT UP AND YOU'RE OUTTA THIS HOUSE!" To which I reply, as I always do when he threatens to kick me out (this has to be at least the twelfth time, by the way), with a sarcastic, "Yeah...""

Thanks to Sean for the gratuitous use of his onomatopoeia

8/20: Someone's Grandma owns a gun!
"So, it looks like Sean and I won't be attending SummerSlam tomorrow night...there's still an extremely remote chance that it might happen...but really...i'd be surprised if it happened."

Needless to say...

8/30" I...am annoyed...
"I went to the gym today, and when I weighed myself after my shower afterwards the scale read 218.5... I'm officially a Cruiserweight! Gregory Helms...here I come..."

Longest reigning Cruiserweight Champion in history...nof after I'm done with him

September
9/1: MORE PEOPLE I HATE!
"He said, "One...Twooo.....................C'mon, it's time to go!" NO! WRONG! THREE follows Two, and a boot in the ass and a handful of shirt collar follow three!"

October
10/4: Fuckin' hell...
"So my dear friend Beans (xjadenx) likes to, for some reason, find me people on MySpace to hook up with. I dunno why... Anyway one of the people she linked me to was this guy I've seen around who I thought was rather the hottie. So I sent him a friend request, if nothing else it might up the ole social life scale to something higher than "That of a Slug.""

Meh, he didn't friend me back

10/12: MUFFINS!


10/17: Man, they owe me royalties...or somethin...
"Seven, eight years ago, back when I was a wee e-wrestler, and Co-President of the Grand Wrestling Alliance, I created the name "December to Dismember" for our December pay per view, except I used the number 2 in place of the word."

Alright, so it was brought to my attention that ECW had actually used "December to Dismember" as a PPV name a good two years before I "came up with it" so...whoops

November
11/6: ...I see no reason for gunpowder treason to ever be forgot
"In other news I am now a seasonal assistant manager at the store, which only means that from now until january I qualify for bonus, if we should make plan these next two months. That'd be real nice..."

And it is real nice

11/20: This is how a good day starts...
"This time, however, it was for me, JR from WHEB was calling to tell me that I had won the contest for tickets to tomorrow night's Disturbed show at the Verizon!"

That was wicked good times

11/23: I miss my XBox 360 :(
"It was amazing to see the detail and clarity, but god damn does Terry Bradshaw's bald scalp look fuckin SCARY in Hi-Def."

11/26: *sigh*
"Oh, and at work today, when I asked a couple who were buying a telescope if they wanted an Extended Service Plan on it the old woman felt compelled to tell me that, no, they don't need it "Jesus is our insurance policy""

December
12/11: Superman where are you now? When everything's gone wrong somehow?
"I want a Wii"

I got a Wii :D

"Speaking of which, I got turned down in a dream the other night... I got turned down, in my imagination, by a person I MADE UP! The fuck is that about?!"

12/20: All that we want is to feel inside some kind of comfort for all that we've done we can hide
"Spent four hours at work tonight waiting for a locksmith to come to fix the back door.

Oh, yeah, i was there from 1:12-5:15

in the morning"

12/24: :)
"Yeah, I'd qualify that as a pretty good date :)"

12/27: :D
"4850-9412-9663-5687"

Add Mii, people

Alright, let's take a look at last year's resolutions:

What do I want to do with the coming twelve months?

1. Go to Illinois, this MUST happen. Done and Done
2. Get down to 200 pounds, I have faith this will happen. Very close, 210
3. Move out of my parent's house or, at the very least, get a full-time job. I tried full-time, it sucked, I'm happy where I am, as awful as it is at times.
4. Get laid, a pipe dream, I know. We knew this one wasn't happening.

Alright, things to do in 2007:

1. One Chinup
2. Go to the gym at least twice a week, every week, even if just for an hour
3. Go on at least two dates (preferably with the same person)
4. Well, you know...

Hey, if three happens, four might happen, too, y'never know.

All in all I'd say it's been a pretty good ride this year, there was a dramatic drop-off of journal entries after September, don't know exactly why that happened, but I'll try and be more consistent in 2007.

I have a good feeling about this coming year, let's hope that feeling rings true.

Happy New Year, everyone, comment count to follow.
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