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When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
Lots of thoughts 
9th-Oct-2007 03:19 pm
MeAvatar
Y'know, I've spent the last couple nights laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering, "Why?"

Why me, why this, just why?

I mean, overall, my life's been pretty good, pretty sound, pretty trouble-free, but there's still a lot of stuff that goes down that, at least to me, pretty much kinda sucks.

So, I ponder to myself, why is it that fate has deemed it and things have turned out the way they are. Why is it that the greater being, whatever your name for it, has decided that I should get the crappier end of the stick more often than not?

Let's take a look at things here:
Fat kid, slow metabolism, not physically fit
Tall and large, so I don't even get any part of the "Tall+Lanky=Big Dick" stereotype
Glasses, always a plus
Big Head. Yall, I wear a size 8 ball cap, that ain't right.
Bisexual.

This is the big one, "Tell you what, kid...you're not gonna be straight, but dig this, you're not gonna be gay, either. You're gonna be stuck in the middle with the sexual preference that most people don't even seem to want to admit exists. Oh, they're gonna call you 'greedy', they'll call you a 'fence-sitter', they'll demand that you 'pick a side' and stop 'begging for attention,' but you're not gonna have a choice in the matter. Have fun with that"

Completely unable to handle awkward situations, which usually results in me doing anything possible to avoid them entirely

I'm 25-years-old, and I still sleep in the same twin bed I've had for 20 years, in the same room I've slept in for 25 years, in the same house, with the same yard, and the same damn mess for 25 years.

Sure, there was that short time I "lived" at Kirby's house for around six months, but that doesn't really count cause I still came home every day to take a shower, and I still did my laundry at home, and I still had the same legal address.

Nothing's changed.

What have I accomplished?

I graduated High School, I won the 8th grade spelling bee, I got a trophy for basketball in 6th grade, I got a silver medal for an FBLA thing in twelfth grade, but that doesn't even count cause everyone got a medal no matter how awful they may have done.

What have I accomplished?

Nothing.

25 years, nothing to show for it.

I've already failed out of college once, and though I don't plan on doing it again, you never know.

I should have something by now, shouldn't I?

There should be something I can point to, something I can show people, and say, "Hey, that's me, I did that..."

But what have I got...

Nothing.

If this is some kind of karmic backlash I don't even want to know what I did in my previous life to deserve this kind of punishment. What could have possibly resulted in this lack of life? I don't even dare guess...

Sitting on that mountain Saturday night gave me a lot to think about, and I couldn't help but notice that every time I would look deep into myself and ask whoever it is that's up there watching over us to stop the rain, the rain got harder.

Let me repeat that.

Every time I would ask, "Please...make this rain stop."

It rained harder.

Huge drops, pouring from the sky. Cold rain falling all around us. It sounded like we were sitting in the middle of a river as the water plummeted down the mountainside.

And all I could do was ask, Why?

It's a scary thing, sitting there on the side of a mountain in the pitch-black night, in the pouring rain, shivering uncontrollably and wondering just what it is you've done to deserve this kind of treatment. Unsure if you're even crying because you're body's already shaking and your face is already wet.

It's a scary thing to know that your fate, at present, is completely out of your control.

Would we have died had I not had my cell phone? Probably not. We would have been cold, but once the sun rose again we would have been mostly dry and able to see ourselves down the rest of the way. But in that moment, in the dark, in the cold, in the rain...the uncertain future was pretty much terrifying.

So I lay in bed at night, and I stare at the ceiling and I wonder, "Why?"

And once I'm through wondering I close my eyes and I think, "Well...at least I've never been on COPS"

Maybe I think too much...
Comments 
10th-Oct-2007 12:54 am (UTC)
Why? Because Peter Griffin touches himself at night.
10th-Oct-2007 06:29 am (UTC)
You are a good guy. Things will get better over time. Look at the progress you have made working out for example. Yea you are bi big deal, it does not mean that you are greedy, or can't make up your mind, or any of the other stereotypes that closed minded people put on that lifestyle. at most it means that you are open to how you feel. You have a greater impact on the lives of those around you than you realize. Ok sorry for going all it's a wonderful life on you (but that movie is a good example)
10th-Oct-2007 04:15 pm (UTC)
Heh...damn. I'm 22 with nothing to show for it, if that makes you feel any better. I never even TRIED college and I work two nights a week.

*pats self on back* Go team! ;)

*hughug* I feel your pain...except the bisexual thing, anyway. =P
11th-Oct-2007 05:57 am (UTC)
*smooch*
11th-Oct-2007 09:49 pm (UTC)
I completely agree with pinion345. Most people's orientations fall between completely homosexual and completely heterosexual. Most people are bisexual to one degree or another. There are just assholes out there who will never admit it. It just means you know who you are and are open about it. Anyone who says different are said assholes.

25 is not so far along hun. You have plenty of years to do things, and you WILL do things you can be proud of and brag about. You're too young to be thinking such negative thoughts. Enjoy the journey that is life.
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