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When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
KOTR Review 
24th-Jun-2002 01:53 am
For those of you who don't care I'll use LJCut so you don't have to wade through this entire thing.

KOTR Prediction: Jericho

Semifinal Match:
RVD vs. Jericho
Prediction: Jericho
I write this RIGHT after the match and I already declare this match Match of the Night, 20 minute match that was absolutely amazing. I didn't know who was going to win until the very end, which was excellent, I like matches like that. A Five-Star Frog Splash out of nowhere does the trick for RVD, and he snatches a victory, Jericho snaps and attacks, and you've got yourself a hell of a match. And my prediction goes out thee window...

Paul Heyman's Promo:
Made me think of Tenacious D's "Sasquatch," Brooooooooock, we know that you are reaaaaaaaallllllll

On a side note, the set is really cool!

Semifinal Match:
Test vs. Brock Lesnar
Prediction: Brock
Was it any surprise that Brock would win? Hell, I typed these two sentences before the match even began! The two competitors did an excellent job making it look like the match could go either way. Test has the advantage, then Brock, then Test, back and forth, which is good. It's never good to see a complete Squash, especially in an environment such as King of the Ring. If JR says, "This is gonna be it right here!" You KNOW it won't be a three count, simple as that. Lesnar kicks out of the Big Boot! A suspenseful moment no doubt. Lesnar wins with Heyman's slightly late interference. A Surprisingly good match from these two guys. Lesnar and Test complement each other well.

Bubba's impactful...ooh.

Lance and Christian don't like the All-American Final, hmmm, funny, cause like I mentioned before Canada is a part of AMERICA, NORTH AMERICA. Sheesh...

Tazz looks good in a suit, it's true

Didn't Jamie Noble's name used to have a K?

Cruiserweight Title Match:
Jamie Noble vs. Hurricane
Prediction: Noble
If any match can challenge RVD vs. Jericho for Match of the Night, this is it. Nidia shows her greenness by mising her interference cue and missing Hurricane's leg. Well, we all screw up sometimes. No one submits to Abdominal Stretches anymore. It's gone the way of the Backslide. The only matches that ever end with a backslide are the women's matches. Lotsa good near falls in this match. Noble sells really well, he's as good as I heard. He also bounces well on his bumps, it's pretty sweet to watch. WHOA! Neckbreaker from the very top! Sweet-ass move!!! Noble wins with a powerbomb, Nidia knocks Hurricane's foot off the bottom rope, and Noble gets some sweet sweet lovin' from Nidia.

The Rock is here, I can hardly contain my enthusiasm

Eddie speaks Unintelligible Retard, right Sean?

"Stone Cold" Ric Flair vs. Eddie Guerrero
Prediction: Flair
Good to see that Flair can still hold his own in the ring, especially with Guerrero, who's amazingly quick. Flair is the Dirtiest Player in the Game. And for putting this match together last minute after Austin left, it's a well thought out match. It seems clear that they rethought this match instead of having Flair just stand in for Austin. Benoit finally comes to ringside. There's the backslide I was talking about. If you lose to a backslide, you SUCK! Crippler Crossface, a move that's been dearly missed. So Bubba's impact was sending Eddie ass-first into the canvas? Interesting. More interesting? The BubbaBomb won the match for Flair...

Regal and Nowinski at The World. Oooh, the waitress dipped her finger in his food, what damage that does...

WWE in Boston on the second of July and I can't go

Women's Title Match:
Molly Holly vs. Trish Stratus
Prediction: Trish
I never expect much from Women's matches, due to the recent History of them in the WWE. However, Trish has been a surprisingly respectable Women's Champion. I miss the Victory Roll, it's such a good maneuver. I don't know what Trish calls that Headscissors move she does in the corner, but it's cool. Molly wins with a rollup and a handful of Tights.

Does anyone else notice that on the Shopzone ad the pointer clicks on Torrie's cleavage when her poster comes up?

Ooh, Angle breakin Kayfabe here...

Austin's gone, stop with the "WHAT?!" alright? Jeezus...

"I'm going to make Hulk Hogan tap faster than Mr. Bojangles on Speed" - Possibly the line of the night

Djou ever wonder if the Michael Cole and Tazz portions are pretaped?

Hulk Hogan's only 48 or close to it. He's younger than BOTH my parents. Yet he looks older than my grandpa...there's something wrong with that.

Hulk Hogan vs. Kurt Angle
Prediction: Angle
Can Angle carry Old Man Hogan through this match? Let's find out... I'm wondering how the "Overhand Wristlock" is a submission, it doesn't look painful at all... There is NO one in wrestling today who sells worse than Hulk Hogan, I swear to god. Hell, he can barely throw a scoop slam. Maybe I'm too critical because he's OLD, but he's OLD, he should have been out of wrestling at least two years ago. Hogan has an epileptic siezure mid-match! Oh, no, wait, he's "Hulking Up", yeah, that was cool, when I was nine. Hulking Up hasn't been cool in at least eight years, and I'm being generous with that estimation. Angle's been de-wigged. Angle's leaving because he lost his toupee, now he's back with a chair...nice. Classic chair shot, Hogan moves, the chair bounces off the rope and smacks Angle in the face. OOH! Nice counter to the Legdrop. Angle counters the legdrop into the Ankle Lock. HOGAN TAPS!!!! WHOO HOOOOOO!!!!!! A surprisingly good match, though Angle can truly liven up any match. That's why I like him so much, he can take HOGAN for cripes sakes, and make an enjoyable match out of it.

Rockdust, beautiful. Ahh, the Rock had to fuck it up, that son of a bitch.

The Rock, "The Bandwagon Champion" fuck the people, they're puppets.

"...Never loonie, spin-a-roonie, five time WCW Champion!" There's the line of the night.

Hee hee, Goldust rules.

WWE in Manchester on the first of July, cain't go see that one neither!

King of the Ring Final
Brock Lesnar vs. RVD
Prediction: RVD
Now THIS should be a good match. The brute strength of Brock vs. the quickness and martial arts skill of RVD. I see RVD taking it after punking out Heyman. You know I had completely forgotten that RVD was the Intercontinental Champion. What the hell happened to that belt? Sheesh! Lesnar's the first to counter the Monkey Flip, not bad. RVD starts with the advantage, but Lesnar takes over, as is to be expected. A Bear Hug?!? The only guy who wins with a Bear Hug is Mark Henry, which tells you something about HIS skill. Rolling Thunder gets a two. Five-Star! Heyman almost loses the match for Lesnar! There's the punk-out, Lesnar wins with the F-5! Dag! Twice wrong!

Giving Lesnar the KOTR Title is pointless, in my view. We already KNOW he's an unstoppable machine, why not give him some character development by showing some of the chinks in his armor. I think the match should have ended with the Heyman spot. He drops RVD's neck across the top rope after the Five-Star, RVD falls backwards onto Lesnar, there's the three. That would have been perfect. They just would have had to move it later into the match. But now, the Goldberg-style over-push continues and Lesnar wins the King of the Ring. They'd better prove me wrong and have something good come of this, instead of Lesnar running roughshod, still, until Summerslam. Hramfg...

Hunter meets up with the nWo, tension, then hugs all around. Well, 'cept for the Show. nWo offers backup, just throw the Wolfpac symbol and they'll be there.

Heyman's sure that whoever wins this match will lose at SummerSlam

World Title Match
Undertaker vs. Triple H
Prediction: Triple H
The champ comes out first, which I hate, throws tradition to the dogs. Will the one-month title reigns continue? Well that was odd. Trip's music stops and waits for Finkle to finish his introduction before continuing. Trip spits, right on cue. Hunter dominates from the start, which is interesting. If the title DOES change hands tonight, HHH better start the trend of reigns longer than one month. If Lesnar gets the title at SummerSlam I will shoot my TV, I swear. Hmm, Undertaker's coloring his hair Black again. Black is Evil. I like these new shiny mats the WWE uses, cause when a wrestler drops on to them they bounce and slide, it looks cool. Heyman's telling us that Brock punked out the Rock, I wish it was true; however, we know it's not, cause it's Heyman. Another turnbuckle pad comes off, that's two for the night. You can always tell when it's going to be a two-count when Earl Hebner's refereeing, because if it's a two he'll kick his legs out as his arm comes down the third time, if it's a three count his legs won't move. Hebner gets squished twice, and here comes the Cock...err, Rock. Heyman runs and now we have to suffer through Rock commentary. Ooh, I like the new look of the Announce Tables. If they do a "Ref wakes up, sees a chair, and DQ's the man who's standing" I'll be pissed. Ooh! Taker kicked Rock in the head, sweet! Rock is back, aims for Taker with the chair, Taker ducks, Rock nails Hunter, whoopee doopee, now what. Trip's bleeding. Last Ride on HHH, but Hebner's still out, a new referee, ooh, Nick Patrick, and Hunter kicks out. Taker, in a rage, takes out Nick Patrick. This match has become cliched. Rock is back with a Rock Bottom. Hebner conveniently starts to move. Hunter rolls over, it'll be a two count, the convenient long-two from the beaten ref. Gee, how did I call that? I must be Miss Cleo. This match has started to suck, actually. There's the Pedigree, but they're all still out, Hunter hooks him, Hebner's not paying attention, la di da di dum. I'm bored. A roll-up with the tights for the three-count. It's sad when the World Title Match ends the same way as the Women's Title Match, a roll-up with the tights. Under talks shit, Rock runs down, Rock with a spinebuster, People's Elbow, WHOO HOO!!!!! Rock gets pedigreed!! Well that one moment was better than that entire stupid match. Chokeslam on HHH from Undertaker, and we end on Taker's music.

All in all, not a bad show. Not the best PPV I've seen, but definitely not the worst. I still think RVD should have taken the King title, since Brock doesn't need any more of a push. The World Title match sucked, honestly. It's kind of sad that the Match of the Night was the first match on the card, and that the Main Event was one of the worst matches, if not the worst match, on the card. Oh well. They teased a Triple H nWo membership, we'll see where that goes.

Could have been better, hopefully something good comes from it...
24th-Jun-2002 11:28 am (UTC) - King of My Ass, Part One
I disagree -- King of the Ring sucked ass! Allow ME to recapitulate some of this magnanimous shitossitude:

-- Our V.D. vs. Y2J+2: Definitely the match of the night, I'll give ya that. Very entertaining indeed. The finish was a little awkward though.

-- Brocky Maivia vs. Test: Lesnaaaaaaar, we know your love is reeeeeeeeeeal. Is it just me or does that creepy face that Brock makes look like he's getting his first blowjob........... while he's taking a shit??? Just some food for thought. Oh, and this match sucked ass.

-- Jamie "Silent K" Noble vs. the Hurrible Gimmick for the rights to Three Count's record deal: This match wasn't as good as I had hoped. And what about Nidia? I'd venture a guess that she didn't envision being portrayed as slutty trailer park trash while fending off chants of "She's a crack whore!" when she won "Tough Enough!" Maven better get out fast before Russo turns him into a gay bathhouse attendant!

-- Eddie's interview was pretty weird. Kinda funny in a way though. I like how he said, "Little Timmy, the foster kid we just picked up this week." Ahh, Mexican stereotypes. Who's booking this show anyway?! Ohhh, that's right -- the same guy who made Lucha Libres fight in a pinata-on-a-pole match...

-- Latino Mullet Heat vs. "Nature Boy" Steve Irwin: Yeah okay, this match sucked ass too. But they're saying Flair is gonna be making "one last run" now? Does that mean HE'S gonna end up winning the title eventually too??? First Hogan and Taker and now maybe Flair. Is this WCW? I'm seeing lotsa senior champions. BRING BACK THE NEW BLOOD!!!

-- Molly Phatu vs. Trish Stratus-My-Face: I think it's pretty harsh that they're building an angle around a broad having a fat ass, but whatever. I still wouldn't mind seeing her in a thong! Haw haw yeah! Wax on, wax off! Anyway, this match was pretty good I'd say. I mean, ya know, for women. A special thanks to Trish for wearing pants that were so tight that you could tell she was wearing a thong. Ahhh, money shot.

-- Angle gives the best interviews ever. And he even mentioned me -- Mr. Bocephus Bojangles! Although I don't tap-dance so I'm not sure what he meant there, but hey, whatever works!

-- Ankle Socks vs. Baldywood Hulk Hogan in a Winner-Has-To-Grow-Hair Match: I can't believe it! HOGAN TAPS! HOGAN TAPS! HOGAN TAPS LIKE ME ON SPEED!!! Wow -- Hogan is totally turning into a jobber. Losing to Rock, Taker, HHH, and now tapping cleanly to Angle, all in the span of three months. Hogan losing four times in three months?! When has that EVER happened?! Maybe Vince will beat him too when they finally have their match...
24th-Jun-2002 11:30 am (UTC) - King of My Ass, Part Two
-- This Rock-Booker-Goldust promo was pretty fuckin' funny. I like when Goldust tried to freestyle with them and then stopped and said, "I'm sorry, I'm not very good at this." And then when he said he had more ammunition in his cannon than the Rock will ever know... ahh, priceless.

-- The Brock Bottom vs. Bob's Canned Ham: You really expected RVD to win? What are you, soft or something? He's already the Intercontinental Champion! He doesn't need to be elevated! The KOTR is used to elevate talent to the next level! I am kinda surprised RVD jobbed cleanly though. He should lose the title for that! Oh, and Brock in the main event at Summerslam? I don't think so! And don't forget that I called this final! Remember? I said Brock vs. RVD and you were like, "An all-Raw final???" Yeah that's right, bitch. Stow it!

-- Hunter passing by the nWo was a cool moment in my book. Makes me wish Scott Hall was still there so that the Kliq would have been fully represented for the first time in WWF(E)television history. Someone needs to trade Hunter over to Raw to fill in for Austin, even though it wouldn't be much of a substitute since Austin was putting on pretty good matches and HHH has been butt-booty since he returned.

-- Booger Black vs. Hollywood Hulk... whoops, wrong HHH: Yeah, this match sucked a whole lotta ass. They should just declare the title vacant because neither one of these guys deserves to hold it! Shit, put it on The Rock! I don't care! At least he can deliver entertaining matches! Actually, the end of this match made it look like we might be seeing a Rock-HHH-Taker match at the next pay-per-view, whatever it's called. Invasion? Fully Loaded? In Your House: Canadian Stampede? I dunno. At least the title didn't change hands YET AGAIN, so that's a plus, I think. I dunno if they'll give Rock the title since he doesn't seem to be able to stick around for any prolonged stretch of time, but we'll see. What a busted-ass King of the Ring this was. It makes me long for the glory days in 1995 when Mabel was King and all was well. Ahhh, nostalgia...
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