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When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
WWE Vengeance 
22nd-Jul-2002 01:39 am
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Let's do dis shiznat, wait, why I am I hearing Michael Cole? We're in Detroit at the Joe Louis Arena and The World in New York. Michael Cole and Tazz doing commentary for a Pay Per View?? Interesting...anyway, let's get this started

Table Match
Bubba Ray and Spike Dudley vs. Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit
Prediction: Eddie and Benoit, by some ratfinkery

Oh, that's cool, Benoit's new video plays on the big screen and his old video plays on the things that hang at the sides. Side note, since Benoit's using the Forceable Entry song for his entrance, I heard the Raw theme on the radio at work tonight and the announcer guy even said that it was from Forceable Entry, which was cool. Are there suddenly DQs in a table match? And since when is a tag team table match done with normal tag rules? Oddness. Hey, the Titantron's back, cool, and it's right next to a HUUUUUGE V. The V is for Vengeance. Now you're talkin Double Team. Eddie Guerrero gets a table from under the ring, even though there are about fifteen laying about ringside, oh well. Wait, it's an Elimination Match? I'm so not caught up with this match! Ooh, table in the ring. Did Bubba just say, "Yeah! I got balls!"?!?!? WASSUP NUT BUTT! Long time no see. Bubba off the top rope NEVER works, you'd think he'd have realized that by now. OOh, shit, that table shot with Eddie was Brutal. Dudley Dog on Eddie looked like Eddie went ribs first into the SIDE of the table. Spike went more through the table than Eddie did. But Eddie's gone, and now Spike's gone, it's down to Bubba and Benoit. Bubba Bomb wins it! Not as ratfinkish as I thought. Not too bad of a match.

AGH! Sorry, Bischoff scared me, all that grinning and shit. Hey, another big V! Triple H enters the broom closet, Coach shows up, and we go back to Tazz and Cole.

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
Jamie Noble vs. Billy Kidman
Prediction: Noble

Billy Kidman enters and motions that he'll have the belt, then motions again, and again, and once more for good measure. Silly Kidman, no one wins with a Backslide! Good match so far, a minute in, let's see how this pans out. Cole calls his first wrong move of the night, calling a headscissors a hurracanrana. Repeat after me, "At least he's not Tony Schiavone, at least he's not Tony Schiavone." Kidman selling a shoulder injury, very nice. Kidman's enzuigiri hits Noble in the...ribs...ok. So far this has match of the night honors, we'll see. Noble wins with a sitdown powerbomb, Kidman sells the shoulder, Cole sells the trailer-trash image, and we move to the replays.

Ahh, Kurt Angle, you are the living end. Enter Brock, they shake like happy children Now that Kurt's head has tanned he doesn't look half bad with no hair, he's got a lot of pockmarks on his face, though.

European Championship Match
William Regal vs. Jeff Hardy
Prediction: Hardy

Here comes Jeff with his Day-Glo Utimate Warrior paint. I'm surprised he didn't day-glo the belt for damn's sake. With the lights on Hardy's complexion matches that of the old Undertaker. Nice and pasty white. That was a bit off, Regal ended up too close to the turnbuckle and Hardy sort of jumped past him. You know what move I haven't seen in a while? A good Atomic Drop. While I was thinking that Hardy ended up rolling Regal into a ball and pinning him. This Match: Nothing Special. Regal throws a fit.

Naitch congratulates Hardy, Hulk Hogan appears, so people know he's not dead. Ric ruins the idea that these promos are live by saying how JR would call Hogan trying to do a Swanton. However, it's still funny because Flair makes fun of Hogan cause he's old. Flair's old too, I realize, but at least Flair's not trying to relive his prime, Flair's only wrestling cause Stone Cold Career Suicide has a piss fit and walked out.

Chris Jericho vs. John Cena
Prediction: Cena

Hey, Cena can throw a chairshot with the best of 'em. My early thoughts say this has potential to be match of the night. Cena's proven himself to be completely worthy of running with the big guys. I took a bump like that once in Kirby's backyard. Knocked the wind out of me, and gave me a pisser of a headache, but damn if it didn't cure my back pain for a couple days! Cena pins with a Walls counter! That was beautiful! Jericho beats the hell out of the ring since he can't beat Cena. The ring doesn't fight back.

Bischoff and Coach are still waiting outside the broom closet, Lawyer comes with Documents, Bischoff and "The Fans" think it's a contract, but of course, they'll all swerve us later and say that they were divorce papers.

Lita in the Summerslam Chyron. Here come JR and The King to take over for the second "Half" of the show, which is really the second two thirds. King hesitant to shake Tazz' hand, but god knows why since all the fans have forgotten about their feud.

We get a promo detailing the history between RVD and Lesnar, since we've forgotten everything that happened in the past month.

Intercontinental Title Match
Brock Lesnar vs. RVD
Prediction: RVD

I really think RVD will take it this time, it's about time, anyways, it'll be a nice swerve. Let's all cheer for Battle Creek, since we're in Detroit. Point To Self enters the ring and we're set to begin. You realize that all the belts except the Cruiserweight belt still say WWF on them. I didn't realize either how tall RVD was or how short Brock was, but they're about the same height. JR says Brock's 6'4" Maybe it's just cause he crouches kinda when he fights. RVD focuses on the legs, like he does whenever he fights Lesnar. That was a sweet Oklahoma Slam on the floor by Lesnar. Lesnar takes control, as expected. Dude, I don't know if RVD was supposed to land on the apron right there, but either way he missed and rolled down the steps and it looked rather painful. A Bearhug...how 80's. An Abdominal Stretch...how 80's/early 90's. RVD regains control...fack and borth, fack and borth. F5 countered! Wow! It could be, it might be, IT IS! The 5-Star gets a DQ by Heyman for pulling the ref out of the ring. Charles Robinson is mauling Heyman! Sweet! RVD wins by DQ so the streak is not broken, Lesnar has yet to be pinned. I smell Van Terminator...he has the chair, Lesnar's in the corner, he's on the top, Heyman grabs the leg. Buck Futter. We finish the outing with an F5 on the chair. Another candidate for Match of the Night.

Hey, blackness...oh, a shopzone ad. I thought I bought PPVs so there wouldn't be commercials...

Once again outside the Broom Closet. Stephanie's definitely the face in this relationship, see, we know this cause Steph's wearing a white suit, white=good, Bischoff's wearing a black suit, black=bad. Ooh, I called that fifteen minutes ago.

Big Show vs. Booker T
Prediction: Booker

Even with Booker, I still think this will be the sleeper of the night. Booker's Pyro lights the HUGE V on fire and burns down the Joe Louis Arena...no? Well, a boy can dream, can't he? Big Show's big, therefore he doesn't have to sell, therefore each time he's punched he can wiggle his head and say, "Augh!" Am I right, am I right? I thought if you were in the "Pros" you knew what you were doing. For some reason Big Show looks completely lost. AH! That was SWEET! Booker T scissors kicked Big Show right through the Spanish table! That was awesome! This match is starting to remind me of Lex Luger vs. Yokozuna, that one where Luger knocked Yoko out of the ring, and they couldn't get him back in so Yoko got counter out. Except now Big Show's made an inconsequential comeback, recieved his second wind, and bored the hell out o...WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!? Booker T just did a somersault legdrop off the top and got the win! That man amazes me more and more each day. They're calling that the Houston Hangover now, since Book ain't from Harlem no more.

Torrie and Dawn at The World. They're still bitching about the Golden Thong.

Triple H's Announcement
Prediction: Raw

Someone in the crowd has three airbrushed signs that are amazing. One is RVD, one is Trip and the other is The Rock, and they look great. Good ole Trip spits on cue, and here we go. Bischoff enters before Hunter can speak. He speaks. A Pink sign says, "Sid" Well, last I checked Sid was being the Commissioner for some sorry state of affairs called the WWA, didn't he admit to shitting his pants or something? Anyway... I'm so glad that the crowds have finally, FINALLY stopped saying "WHAT?!" That was annoying while Austin was there, pathetic afterwards. Stephanie enters. Her good white suit, and Bischoff's evil black suit, contrasted by Hunter's I don't give a shit shirt and jeans. I'm so glad Steph decided to lower the register of her voice. My ears no longer bleed while I watch wrestling. Stephanie plays the WCW Card, using Bischoff's former words against him. Trip plays the whore card with Stephanie to get the crowd re-interested. HBK interrupts the proceedings at a precise interval, as written two weeks ago in the script. Good to see that Sean's (That's Paravano, by the way) theme song can still ignite the crowd. HBK proves that they don't COMPLETELY drop storylines, they just brush most of them under the rug. The crowd starts chanting DX, even though that was SO two years ago. Hunter says "Sorry Steph" and I win another bet with myself. I think I owe myself about twenty bucks now. I've gone 6 for 7.

They ask Rikishi about Hunter's decision, because he has nothing else to do tonight.

Booker T says something, I wasn't paying attention

A replay of everything happening between Team Canada and Edge and Hogan since July 4th. A replay of everything happening between Team Canada and Edge and Hogan since July 4th. A replay of everything happening between Team Canada and Edge and Hogan since July 4th. Cause we all have Amnesia. A replay of everything happening between Team Canada and Edge and Hogan since July 4th. Cause we all have Amnesia.

WWE Tag Team Title Match
The Anti-Americans (Lance Storm and Christian) vs. Team Come Out Separately Even Though You're Champions (Edge and Hulk Hogan)

I wasn't really paying attention to this match, but I'm sure it was full of old eighties moves like the "Noggin' Knocker" and the Hulk Up...yeesh

I can't watch any match that Hulk Hogan is in...he's just so...bad. Hey, the Anti-Americans won with help from Chris Jericho...that's good! Stupid Hogan.

WWE Raw Magazine commercial.

We review the Title situation and here comes the Main Event

WWE Undisputed Title Match
The Rock vs. Kurt Angle vs. The Undertaker
Prediction: Undertaker

Does nobody realize that Rock's still coming out to the Nation theme? He's such an asshole. If he wants to be such a big fuckin movie star, go to Hollywood and Stay There!!! When your movies stop grossing millions merely because of your WWE Status, and you start producing tank after tank, remember who made your ass famous, Dwayne, and beg for your job back. Anyway, the match begins. Rock's getting his ass beat, I like that. The Bandwagon Champ hits a chokeslam? What the fuck? First he steals the Sharpshooter, and does that Horribly, now he steals the chokeslam, and does THAT Horribly. Come up with your own damn moves, fucknut. THEN He steals the Ankle Lock! Jeezus, Hebner could have counted to three in the time it took Undertaker to break up that pin with an elbowdrop. Hey, Kurt's cut on the top of his head. Ahh, the Shitshooter, how I haven't missed that move. Haw Haw, Last Ride on the Rock. AH! That was smart! Angle Lock off the pinfall, Angle is a ring general. YES! Angle Lock out of the Rock Bottom! This is why he should be Champ again. Taker kicks out of the Rock Bottom cause the Rock Bottom sucks. WHAT?!? I knew this was gonna happen and I'm still pissed! Someone, who shall remain nameless, told me the result of this match before I saw it. I desperately hoped he was kidding...he wasn't. God damn mother fucker.

As the asshole celebrates, lemme break this down.

Match of the Night: Brock vs. RVD. Full of high-impact, high-powered, high flying action, and an interesting ending that will keep this fued going until Brock vs. Rock starts really going good, this match was top-notch.

Overall Grade: I give it about a B-/C+ Definitely better than King of the Ring.

All in all a solid show, even with the lackluster ending.
Comments 
24th-Jul-2002 12:59 pm (UTC) - I Still Haven't Watched The Whole Thing
I'm gonna ruin this vegetarian special cuz I got a few beefs:

1. What the hell kind of statement is this: "Even with Booker, I still think this will be the sleeper of the night." Tell me you did not just say that! "Even with Booker"?!?! Booker T's the man, SUCKA! You better have meant to say "Even with the BIG SHOW!"

2. Where's the recap for the tag title match?! You didn't write enough detailed shit about it and I still haven't watched it! You could have saved me some time!

3. It's not the Shitshooter -- it's the Scorpion King Deathlock! Get it right!

4. You didn't even say how The Rock won the match! "Taker kicks out of the Rock Bottom cause the Rock Bottom sucks. WHAT?!? I knew this was gonna happen and I'm still pissed!" Ooooookay... so Taker kicks out of the Rock Bottom and then what??? He loses anyway??? But how??? Come on! You're not taking your position as a recapper seriously! And if you knew the result beforehand, how come you predicted the Undertaker would win?!?

5. One more statement: what's stronger -- your love of the WWE or your hatred for The Rock? Cuz I say if ya love the WWE you should be like me and be HAPPY that Rocky's back cuz he's good for business! Attendance goes up, ratings go up, and everyone's happy and gay. I'm not the guy's biggest fan but putting the belt on him is a good move cuz fans wanna see him, plus he can put on good matches. So quitcher bitchin'!
24th-Jul-2002 07:05 pm (UTC) - Re: I Still Haven't Watched The Whole Thing
1. I meant "Even with Booker." Meaning I knew this was going to be a sleeper, and not even Booker T could save it. I was complimenting Booker, trust me.

2. Let's see, Edge fought, Hogan fought, Hogan got double-teamed, hulked up, beat up people, got knocked out of the ring, Edge fought Lance Storm, Chris Jericho entered and clocked Edge, Lance Storm pinned.

3. My mistake

4. I never said I was a recapper, I was just typing the thoughts that ran through my head during each match. Rock Rock Bottomed Angle, and Undertaker couldn't make the save, happy?

5. That's a difficult question. I enjoy the WWE, I hate the Rock, which is stronger? Dunno. You make good points, I'll give you that. And yes, I suppose that it is best for business to put the title on him so he'll be on both shows. But we all know that he'll be gone in a month or two anyway, to make his King Kamehamawhogivesashit movie. Is giving the title to a merely transitional champion rather than keeping it on the established champ who could run with it another couple months a good idea? I guess we'll soon find out.
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