Log in

No account? Create an account
When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
Humor me for just a moment, I need to vent 
31st-Oct-2001 12:05 am
This is a long one, you may want to sit down, please note there is use of "foul language" so if your name is Amanda Berube, go to hell, and go somewhere else, cause this will probably "offend" you too:

I have become completely uninspired, I have become bored, I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to be in Massachusetts anymore. I want to be home, working, teaching, living the life that I want without all this shit getting in the way. I want it to be five or six years from now, I want to already have a house, already have a job, already have a life. I don't want to be here any more.
I have wanted to teach since I was 9 years old, that was 10 years ago. Now I'm not so sure. I'm sure that I want to teach, I'm sure about that, I just don't know if I want to go through all this bullshit to get there. School has become tedious, History has my balls in a vice, and HGD is making my head collapse, actually, it's the other way around. HGD has my balls in a vice, I spend six hours a week in a class that is teaching me shit about stuff that I don't want to know, don't need to know. I don't need to know about Piaget or a Visual Cliff, I don't need to know about birth through Preschool. I want to be an elementary teacher, I could give less than a damn about how the child comes out of the mother. I don't care about how a child's language develops, by the time they get to me, they should be able to talk
And history is kicking my ass right, left and sideways. I have never fallen this behind in any course ever in my life before, ever. I don't even know where we are in class anymore. I remember that we just finished the Revolutionary Era, I don't know what comes after that. I do my reading on the T, I've quit taking notes, I don't want to be there. I should have dropped that class and not Literature, even then I would have been able to sleep in twice a week, though Literature probably would have been just as fun by now.
I got thinking tonight while I was talking to Uncle Rob, I got thinking about just how much I don't want to be doing what I'm doing. Maybe it's because I'm not on campus, maybe it's because I'm not interacting daily with my peers and classmates, maybe it's because last year was something brand new, so it was fun on its own, I don't know. I just know that right now, I don't want to do this anymore. But I can't drop out, I can't, because I've wanted this for 10 years, because I've already done a year and a quarter, because I brought this upon myself.
I was the one who decided 10 years ago that I wanted to teach, I was the one who only applied to Wheelock, I was the one who chose History with Jama, I was the one who agreed to portray a retard on a videotape. But is it all my fault? No! Wheelock has the pointless HGD class, Amanda Berube was the senseless bitch who turned us in, Gail Dines was the one who had a power trip and decided to take action. This isn't my fault, well, not completely, I feel a bit better, but I still don't want to be here. I don't want to have to write this, I want to be sitting in a dorm room watchin BattleBots eating Chinese food from NAN LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING, or some Boneless Teridactyl wings from WingIt!, I didn't want to be sitting in my uncle's finished basement writing this, I didn't PLAN on being kicked out for some mindless whore's defensiveness. I didn't plan on some stupid slut not knowing what a Stop button is.
This was not my plan, this was not in my plan. I think I have a right to bitch about this, Amanda Berube had No Right turning us in, she had No Right to claim offense at a video she wasn't being forced to watch in the first place! You would think that SOMEONE along the line would have realized this but nooo, that entire school, the ENTIRE SCHOOL said, "It doesn't matter if she was forced or not, she didn't find it funny, you're all screwed. We are hereby banning you from having any fun outside of classes and school-sponsored events, oh, yeah, you can't live here next year either." FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you for being too much business and not enough common sense, Fuck you for pulling this completely unfair shit on us, Fuck you for having no sense of humor, Fuck You for what you did, and Shame on you, for squashing a fundamental right of this country, that being the right to free-speech and the right to self-expression. We were having fun, making our freshman, and sophomore, years at college enjoyable for us in a way that the school couldn't provide. We were expressing ourselves in a way that no one had considered before, therefore it was completely taboo, and way out of line, no matter how funny or entertaining for the participants and viewers. Fuck you all for being self-centered, business-minded, power-tripping people who can't see humor and entertainment when it's a foot in front of your faces.
I can honestly say that I have never been this angry about anything ever, I have now been officially fucked over by the system, and it has pissed me off. I feel robbed, drained, empty, uninspired. I'd rather not be here, I don't want to be here. I want to be having fun, enjoying myself, working. There's another thing, because of all this bullshit I can't even get a damn work study job. I'm only on campus and not in class an hour a day, 4 days a week, and no one has any sort of job openings during that time. And I blame this partly on the SDO, who couldn't even call me when they figured out that they didn't have a job for me, I had to go in and ask, "Hey, y'all didn't call me," and by that time, there were no other jobs available anywhere. So I got screwed once again, I HATE that school!! They have done nothing right for me since last June. And here's what I have to show for it. A long ass Journal Entry that's taken me almost an hour to write, at least one class that I know I'm failing, and an overall feeling of boredom and raging stupidity.
I'm not angry anymore, just disheartened, disheartened that something I once saw as an admirable profession, now turns out to be full of deceit, backstabbing and lies. Disheartened that something I've wanted to do for ten years has gone from a bright and shiny view of the future, to a dull and shimmerless wanting for more, wanting for less. Wanting for more enjoyment in my life, wanting for less stress. Wanting for more happiness, wanting for less feelings of depression. I want more, I want more than I have. I want more money, I want a job, a life, where I'm having fun doing what I want, but I'm still at least 3 years away from that. I'm not sure I can deal with that.
I don't know what to do anymore...
31st-Oct-2001 05:22 pm (UTC)
Honey, I know exactly how you feel. Regis is doing shit for me, and I really want to drop out too. I hate it here, and I just want to get on with my life.
This page was loaded Oct 19th 2019, 2:32 pm GMT.