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When Did I Become Thirty?
or "Wait, there are people who were born in 1994?!"
2003: The Year in Review 
31st-Dec-2003 02:11 am
Satchel by BrainySmurf
Well, here it is, folks, the end of another fun-filled 12 months. We've had our ups and downs, but we're all here. So let's do it to it!


I included the entry titles this year as an easy reference tool if you want to go back and see the entire post.

January
1/12/03 - "Something interesting"
Do not get gel material in eyes.

Go ahead and read that again, you know you want to. That's right, it says EYES. As if there's some idiot, some yahoo, some yo-yo, who looks at these and says, "Well, my eyes aren't as white as I want them to be, sometimes they're all red and bloodshot. Hell, if these work on my teeth, they're SURE to work on my eyes!"

Ahh, the cynicism so early in the year...things were destined to turn out well...

1/13/03 - "Back at Emmanuel..."
16 Sure-Fire Conversation Enders:

1. Hello, my name is Michael Yusah, I'm here to babysit your children
2. Want to see some doggy porn?
3. So, tell me about your last adventure with backdoor fun.
4. Have you ever wanted to just get naked and run through a cactus patch?
5. Hello, my name is Michael Yusah, I'm the magician you hired for your kid's birthday party.
6. OK, enough about me, what about your weird foot fetish?
7. Am I the only one who finds Barney sexually attractive?
8. Hey, let's go eat at the Wheelock cafeteria!
9. Would you like to see my extensive collection of boogers that are shaped like presidents?
10.Hello, my name is Michael Yusah, would you like to see some *grin* pictures of my kids?
11. Get out the projector, we can watch a slide show of my last colonoscopy!
12. Who wants an audit?
13. Who feels up to returning to my abode for a marathon of Belgian chicken porn?
14. Anyone want to watch the entire first and only season of the XFL?
15. Hello, my name is Michael Yusah, let me adore and abhor you with a number of unbelievably terrible pickup lines and cheesy magic tricks.
16. Did you know that I have DVDs of every movie Ted Danson ever made?

I was gonna edit this list...but I think it's good just the way it is...

1/15/03 - "Well..."
So, I guess onset by the head cold she had, her body just gave up and started shutting down. Oh well, she was put to sleep yesterday afternoon.

Thankfully, this was really the only major death this year, Cleo, my grandparent's cat.

1/16/03 - "I Hate School!"
I bought NINE books and spent that much money. That averages out to $50.75 per book!

I still don't understand why textbooks cost so much if the average student never even opens the sumbitch up...

1/24/03 - "Avalon"
The show kicked ASS! And why?

Because I high fived Steve-O and Ryan f*%#in Dunn!

Don't Try This at Home: THE TOUR...STILL a night that stands out as one of the best of the year. Looking back now I'm surprised I didn't write an entry dedicated to the Rumble that I attended on the nineteenth of January, but oh well...

1/27/03 - "My Letter from The Disembodied Voice"
Thanks again for checking in. Guys like you, who love sports and love the argument, are why we come in here every day trying to make this show great. If you'll keep watching, we'll keep working on it.

Recieving that email from him also stands out as a high point of the year, especially considering that all I got back from the email I sent to PTI was a form reply. Props to Around the Horn!

February
2/5/03 - "Ugh..."
I answered both questions and said all I had to say in 4 and a half pages of a blue book. Jeff, the kid next to me finished in six...but he hadn't started the second question yet. I looked to my right, though and was glad, cause there was a girl who was still on the first page...then I noticed how small her handwriting is. And then there's the know-it-all kid who kept sighing and stretching...

I don't know why, but the last sentence of this makes me laugh, cause I remember that kid, and he was kind of a douche...

2/6/03 - "More things I've learned!"
Marijuana can...

8. Give you cancer four times more than a cigarette...

Well, hell, why don't we all just start smoking cigarettes then! Well, cause cigarette's don't make ya feel giggly, do they?

Hey, I found number eight! "cigarette's don't make ya feel giggly" is a good line, if I do say so myself...

2/7/03 - "I Hate SNOW!!!"
I'll be a dirty bastard until it stops snowing.

Yeah, cause one day without clean clothes makes you the dirtiest fucker ever...

2/8/03 - "It's odd"
I dunno, it's just a general feeling of disdain.

This, I honestly believe, was the beginning of the end of my college career.

2/16/03 - "What a good, damn coincidence!"
All of a sudden, out of the blue, who IMs me but two of my old E-Wrestling buddies who I had thought were long gone. Solar, who was presiding over the FSW when he just up and disappeared April of last year (Turns out it was a computer virus he didn't know he had) and Vlad, who was a friend of Solar's.

w00t for karma, dude

2/18/03 - "Stupid YARGH!"
I hate immigrants who open restaurants and then can't speak English when they answer the phone.

Ahhh, immigrants...

2/28/03 - "So"
I have to go meet Aileen at the MFA for lunch...hope I don't get lost, it's been so long since I've been there!

Good day, good lunch, good tour guide!

March
3/5/03 - "One thought..."
I hate Ash Wednesday...

I accidentally go up to someone and say, "You got a little bit of dirt..."

and they're always like, "It's the body of Christ, asshole!"

I'm such a dick...but that is such a good quote...

3/12/03 - "As if it weren't bad enough..."
We know have Freedom Fries and Freedom toast. I've been thinking this for a while, but now it's official...

Patriotism has become Pathetic...

And here, 9 and a half months later...still pathetic!!!

3/19/03 - "Two Quick Mental Notes"

ATTENTION YOUNG BLACK WHITE MALES FROM THE AGE OF 14 TO 30:


You're white, you're lame, learn to play golf and listen to REO Speedwagon like the rest of us, OK?

Best Rant Post of 2003

3/24/03 - "I ain't spendin money for a while..."
Just ordered four (4) tickets for Stephen Lynch, May 2nd at 9 PM at the Paradise Rock Club on Comm Ave.

Christ that was fun, details to follow

3/26/03 - "Anti-War Slogans"
anti-war slogans written in bright happy colorful sidewalk chalk

I just love the odd juxtaposition, bright happy anti-war...

3/29/03 - "Is it just me or is this the weirdest dream ever:"
It was a James Bond movie and there was only one Bond, but he was played by two people, Timothy Dalton and Mr. Rogers.

Most Fucked Up Dream of 2003

April
4/5/03 - "Call me terrible..."
but am I the only one who laughs at the ad where the lady says,

"And I'm from Ability First, formerly the Crippled Children's Society."

Is it just me?!?

I still laugh!

4/10/03 - "What a retarded test..."
RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!!!!

I just love the quote!

4/11/03 - "Look at the time of this entry"
Yesterday I went to sleep at 11:00 AM...and slept until 7:20 PM, I woke up to see the Sox game, you see, but that was just a coincidence, really...

I'll take a nap after science class and lunch...science will put me in a good sleeping mood...

That was a fun time of rescheduling my body...but, yes, science was definitely naptime...

4/15/03 - "So...yeah..."
There was a fire at my house...

THAT was fun times, trying to get a hold of my dad to find out what happened, knowing only that it was some kind of emergency, and only getting the answering machine at home...lots of fun

4/20/03 - "Bored Bored Bored"
I'm at Kirby's house, and I'm bored as all get out, cause he's asleep, Welcome Back Kotter is on the television, and I've got absolutely nothing to do...

I was bored out of my mind, but for some reason I still have a fond memory of this night...and I don't know exactly why...it'll probably come to me eventually...

4/30/03 - "And so it begins..."
Classes ended yesterday, Finals start tomorrow, the end is near, my friends, the end is near...

Sounds like the Apocalypse, doesn't it?

And it ended up being the apocalypse, of my educational career, anyway. Little did I know what was to await me in the coming months

May
5/3/03 - "Lynch"
Tonight was a BLAST!

Concert of the Year

5/5/03 - "So..."
Sometimes I'm happy with my current situation, and sometimes I'm not...it's like sometimes I really want to go back to school, and other times I'm not so concerned as to whether or not I've failed out.

As though it was up to me by that point anyway...

Well, I'm a single man again, however, fear not, it was amicable and mutual. We're still friends, and we'll still hang out.

This is where I get conflicted...should I have stayed broken up with her the first time, or was it better that we hooked back up, and then things ended when they did? Sometimes I feel one way, most of the time, it's the other. But we'll get to that when July rolls around...

5/14/03 - "[GET SMART]Missed it by THAT much!"
In other news my mother got fired today...it's been a wonderful Wednesday...

And yet, it did turn into a wonderful thing because now I'm happy where I am, my mom went back to school and is lovin life and, while we may not be the most monetarily stable family on the block, we're happy.

June
6/1/03 - "I applied for another job..."
Kinda, anyways, I submitted an application through email to be a tollbooth attendant for the state of New Hampshire...and WHY?

Because it's a government job and government jobs have awesome benefits and the starting salary is $10.20 an hour for a 28 hour work week...

That's right, fuckers, ten bucks an hour...

6/7/03 - "It's been an interesting Friday"
I think the baseball field was the most important part of the night, because we ended up sitting on the bleachers and just reminiscing about stuff, like the "Good Ole Days" if you will (Though it is debatable whether or not we're qualified to have "Good Ole Days" when none of us are over 20...) But it really made me think about stuff, and how good my life has really been. I do lead a rather abnormal life, I'm 20 years old, I still live at home, I like my parents (even though my dad does tend to be a pompous ass sometimes), and I don't have a child...I'd say well done, considering a lot of the results around here, all the teen pregnancies and the parent-hating from the high school and up crowd.

That baseball field rules all

6/19/03 - "I would like to officially announce..."
That I am a very good big brother...

Ahh, young love...they are the most adorable couple ever...

6/24/03 - "Man, and today was going so well, too!"
The first thing that popped in my mind after "Holy shit, I just hit something!" was "Holy shit, I just hit a van, I just ran into children!" Thank goodness there wasn't anyone other than the driver in the van.

And that was just the first of four friggin accidents this year...jeezus...</b>

6/28/03 - "Weekend news..."
I might have a job, finally! I had an interview at Strawberries this morning, and I think I made a good impression, so hopefully that works out...

I'm so glad I got the Strawberries gig, cause I've met so many incredible people, and had so much fun, it's awesome. So, my total work time there is only going to be seven months, but it's been seven of the best months of my life.

6/29/03 - "Ugh"
For the shit I've gone through for the past 3 hours...I should get a fucking MEDAL...

What a fun evening that was, too. True colors shined through BIG time...

July
7/1/03 - "The Update"
Instead of reposting the entire post I went ahead and made it public. This entry is no longer friends only, so everyone who wants can read it. It includes DJ's break up note that was taped to my front door, and all the shit that followed. I recommend that you read it if you haven't already, as it provides a clear view of the woman, and I use that term loosely, that I spent three years of my life with.

The Update

7/4/03 - "w00t for the Fourth"
After that I went straight back to Kirby's and we took the TV out of the Nanny room and put it in his room and we both chilled there and played games on our respective Cubes.

July fourth this year rocked, cause I got my cube...I love my cube...

7/6/03 - "What a day!"
But in a good way...I ran into someone at work that I never thought I'd ever see again, my old friend Jon Pickering...

Ahh, Pickering, I never did call him...

7/8/03 - "OK, I HAVE to comment on this ad..."
Who...who...WHOOOOOOO takes Drives in the country with sixty-three screaming children?!?!?

I still ponder that very question...

7/18/03 - "Excellentness..."
Two, and I know this sounds like woman-bashing, but I promise it's not directed towards all women, I no longer have to put up with female bullshit. Ladies, men hate hate HATE the following questions:

- "What are you thinking?"
- "What's wrong?"
- "Are you mad at me?"
- "Why is your dick in my ass?"

OK, maybe not the last one...

So true...I'm so deep

7/20/03 - "An Open Thank You Letter to my Ex-Girlfriend (Version 1.1)"
thank you for the unlimited access to your vagina

This, by far, was the one line of 2003 that garnered the most response, it's also, by far, my favorite sentence of the entire year. She wanted me to be an asshole, she said I liked being an asshole, there's her goddamned asshole!

August
8/18/03 - "Two days worth of stuff..."
I'm standing on the sidewalk, Vicki is standing on the sidewalk, the two girls who'd walked into the store right as the alarms went off were standing on the sidewalk. These three guys walk up, walk right past Vicky and I and TRY THE DOOR. Now is when I note that when we left we locked the door, but left all the lights on, including the neon "OPEN" sign. Dipshit number one turns to me and goes, "...You guys closed?" I explain what fire alarms are, meanwhile thinking, "Dude...see the flashing lights? Hear the loud buzzers? Are you that fucking stupid?!?!?" Apparently, the answer is yes.

Where would we be without morons? I mean, really...we'd probably all be a lot more bitter...

September
9/1/03 - "Hrmph"
stoopid British Columbia.

Well...a trip to England might still be a possibility in the spring...if certain people are up for it...

9/5/03 - "Joel's interview"
4. Now, don't want to attack you or anything, but I want you to explain your reasons for being sXe. You're 21, so having a drink from time to time isn't inconceivable. Do you see this as being something you'll do for the rest of your life, or is this just a phase?

It was just a conscious life choice. I've seen many drunk people, and I realized that I'm basically that retarded ANYWAYS. Besides, it's really how I was anyway, not smoking, not drinking, not doing drugs, it just kind of fit, and besides, I'd rather not get cancer or cirrhosis, diseases aren't fun...

I just think it bears repeating

9/11/03 - "Here's a Friendly Reminder..."
It was two years ago...yes, it was a tragedy, but for god sake's get over yourselves...we're really not that important...

Remember that thing I said about patriotism? Yeah...

9/21/03 - "Good lord what a night..."
By now it was ten of eleven, and we had to get Liz home, so we drove towards them, flipped on the brights drove beside them, then I spun the car around and took off out of the parking lot.

Come on...if you're gonna make out in a place as public as a mall parking lot...you should expect to get fucked with...it's a rule of nature!

9/26/03 - "My Job Interview..."


You like it!

October
Nothing of Note

November
11/4/03 - "I had a good day"
All in all, my day rawked, rawked very hard, yes.

And besides...I got a mini strip show! Life is good, yes! :-P

11/6/03 - "It's a piece..."
I Want...
...your hair, playfully flirting with my neck
...your head, resting gently on my chest
...your arm, laying sleepily across my stomach
...your legs, entwined with mine
...our hearts to meld, as one...

I never expected the response I got. I thought of another line, later, but I can't remember what it was now...

11/15/03 - "So...uhhhh..."
Remember that thing I said about four and a half months ago about swearing off women? I...uhh...I was kidding...y'all can come running now!

Also still holds true...hell, I bought new underpants today...I gotta show SOMEONE...

11/21/03 - "A Little Letter"
By the way, sleep-over is either one word, or spelled with a hyphen.

Just to add that little kick of dickhead at the end, there...I think it did its part beautifully...

December
12/1/03 - "And the 2003 Ultra Douchebag of the Year Award goes to..."
So, Timothy J. Cashman of the Portsmouth, NH Police Department, YOU are our 2003 douchebag of the year for acting as though doing YOUR JOB was a gigantic pain in the ass.

What a DOUCHE!

12/2/03 - "Two posts for the price of one"
Let me just put it this way, she does not deserve a friend like me. A woman like her, who doesn't even have the guts to break up with me to my face, who breaks up with me by leaving a NOTE taped to my SCREEN DOOR, does not deserve an honest, hard-working, nice guy like me as a friend. Needless to say, my life has been INFINITELY better since she disappeared, and frankly, I'd like it to stay that way.

Again, I think it just needs to be reiterated.

12/4/03 - "Thoughts to Ponder"
"Often, the strongest love can be a respectful, platonic one."

One, why did I title this "Thoughts" when there's only one, two, Helen rules...

12/16/03 - "OK, this really needs to be brought to attention..."
If you are SO shut in that your ONLY source of entertainment is a videotape of a train ride...just kill yourself right now...cause you've got nothing left to live for...

It's a sad state of affairs that they're actually marketing these things...and people are buying them...



Happy 2004, everyone, may it be as prosperous and eventful as you imagine.
Comments 
30th-Dec-2003 11:39 pm (UTC)
bravisimo!
31st-Dec-2003 10:30 am (UTC)
I'm glad to see that my mini strip show made it in there
31st-Dec-2003 10:31 am (UTC)
How could I leave that out of a best of?!? :P
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